Wow. How is that for a title? I was working on a self-care questionnaire and one of the areas of self-care was intellectual which included writing. Writing is for me the thing that I have a love hate relationship with. I love to write. I always have and yet it has been the way that I do a lot of my processing. A lot of word vomit. As I have moved towards academic writing and good writing my writing of just my random thoughts and a total mess has decreased because I want it to be good.
I want to do all the things well. I want to write well and have it be meaningful and insightful. As an American I live in a culture that is obsessed with productivity. As a doctoral student I drink this message of productivity for breakfast each and every day. Even when everything in me rebels against it. I don’t want to be productive and yet I do. I don’t want to feel this way and yet I do. I don’t want to be this way and yet I am. I don’t want this to be my life and yet it is. There are some things in life you do not get a choice on and that sucks.
I think writing however messy is good for me. I think it is a way for me to try to process when everything in me does not want to process. It is a way for me to be a mess when I don’t want to be a mess. It is me being imperfect and a mess.
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