Overwhelmed

I used to know someone who ended all her emails with “May you be overwhelmed by the grace of God, rather than by the cares of life.”

I always loved that. Overwhelmed by the grace of God. I have been overwhelmed recently.

Graduate school, work, the holidays, money, working out, being fit, making friends, losing weight, volunteering. All of these aspects pile up and I end up overwhelmed.

I find myself trying to book vacations to literally anywhere. I start wanting to run away. I’m an adult. I don’t think I can run away anymore.

I have a lot on my plate right now. I am moving in a couple of months, I don’t know where, I will have to find another job, a place to live. I have moved so much in the past several years. Every few months to be exact and I am tired. Tired of moving so often. Yet I find myself savoring these days. I do not know the unknown but I know today and I love it.

I love the fleeting of the falling leaves. The dropping. The dying. The weather getting cold, the anticipation of hot drinks and curling up inside with a book or Hallmark movie. These are the things  I am trying to savor.

I am still overwhelmed though. I am scared and worried.  I am well-aware of how not in control I am. I am not in control of my own life. At all.

What.

It’s the blessing (that sometimes feels like the curse of the Christian) I gave my life entirely to God. He gets to decide. It is his choice. I gave it to him, as a I grasp at straws, vying for that control that I have already given up. I want it back. I want it back because I am living in fear. Fear. I am like Eve in the garden, fearing that what God has to offer to me will not make me happy. Fearing that the Lord is holding out on me. It’s the biggest lie and the one that keeps on giving. It keeps coming back. The only response to my fear is trust. Trust. Trust in God. Trust that God came to this earth as a tiny baby to bring peace to our chaos. To show what it meant to trust. What it meant to be vulnerable.

I think I am ready. I am overwhelmed. Only now I am done with being overwhelmed by life and I am ready to be overwhelmed by the grace of God.

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