I am sitting here typing with my ten year old rabbit on my lap. His name is Cole and I am afraid he is nearing the end of his life. He is mostly unresponsive and there is nothing I can do for him.
I got back from school last night and when I saw him this morning I cried. Tears that I did not even want to cry but I am a sentimatental, emotional person which somehow means that I have no choice.
I have him sitting here, wanting to give him some comfort. Yet afraid with all my being that he might die in my arms. Wanting that for him and not wanting that.
I don’t do death. I avoid it. I run.
I have had animals die before. A cat. Several hamsters, baby rabbits who were just not strong enough to make it.
Every single time I cried. While also convincing my brother to take care of it. To take care of that which I did not feel capable of handling. Something I still feel incapable of dealing with.
We run from death. All of us in one way or another. When you lose someone significant in our lives freinds tend to ignore the subject.
I know I do. I tell myself it is an awkward subject to bring up, I do not want to remind them of the sadness.
Reallly though I do not want to confront my own immortality and face the truth of the people I have lost.
Only you have to deal with it to heal from it.
Shoving things away does not solve the problem.
You have to heal. You have to treat a physical wound in order for it to heal. The same goes for matters of the heart.
It takes time. Time really does heal loss and soften the blow.
Still do not be afraid to ask someone about thier loss. If they don’t want to talk about it, they will tell you. Asking though at least lets them know that you care.
I know that death is deeply painful but it is also deeply personal. You want to let the people you care about know that you care about even their deepest struggles. That you are there for them no matter what.
We all have wounds from losing someone close. If you do not have them yet they will come. It is part of being alive. It is part of being human to be deeply wounded.
Do not be afraid to wrestle with your own emotions sorrounding death. Do not be afriad to get mad, to be upset, to process.
You have to process, to heal, to move on.
This is not to say that you will ever stop missing those you have lost. That never ends but gradaully it becomes less bitter and more bittersweet.
No matter how painful it is right now. You can get there. Just be patient. Time will heal. Not completely, the scar, will always be there but in time the wound of loss will heal.