At the beginning of this semester, I gave a talk on vulnerability, and I since then I have spent the rest of the semester trying to live it out.
Living it out, each and every single day is so much harder than giving a talk. Living it, is always the tough part.
I thought I had things to be vulnerable about. I thought I had issues with vulnerability. I did. Then all at once they all opened up and I found myself shattered.
Literally shattered in spirit and heart. Being heartbroken is the time you want to avoid vulnerability. The time you want to run into a corner and hide. The time you want to just watch Friends on netflix and never think or talk about it.
I find myself, tears streaming down my face, talking to people. Crying in front of my friends. Being vulnerable and feeling scared.
Scared because I am so unsure of everything. I have never been more unsure and scared in all my life.
But instead of hiding like I want to. I am standing in the open. Vulnerability is descried as being naked. I don’t think that is true at all.
Vulnerability is much harder than being naked. It is letting yourself be seen.
Letting yourself be seen.
It is the hardest thing that you will ever do. There are no guarantees.
When you let yourself be truly vulnerable you see people for who they truly are. I thought that being vulnerable in the midst of this struggle would be especially hard. I was wrong.
Letting people see you. When you let people see you, you run the risk of them rejecting you. It’s a big risk.
Yet I have found that as much as I am scared to share my own mess. My own bucket of crap. Everyone else has one. I am not alone when I share my struggles. Instead I find that everyone has wounds just as deep.
We are the walking wounded and when we open up we see the wounds that we hide.
I spent my life trying to hide my wounds. Trying to find bandages that would fit over them. Trying to hide them and pretend they did not exist so no one else would notice.
Now I realize that those bandages prevent healing. I have to rip the bandages off. I have to let the wounds see the light. I have to let them be open so they can be healed.
I have to be open so I can be healed. Nothing hurts as much as actually letting yourself feel.
Sometimes we do not let ourselves be seen because we are trying to hide even from ourselves. I am done with that. Done with all that. It never brought me healing. It never solved the problem.
It just made my wounds fester. I chose to live wholeheartedly. To let myself be seen, to share my life and my story.
Let yourself be seen because what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.