“On a Wednesday in a cafe; watch it begin again.”
I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s song Begin again on repeat today.
It is stuck in my head and I cannot get it out but I find it to be so fitting for where I am right now.
I used to have depression. It was bad. I remember the dark days and I remember thinking that it would never end. I was so afraid that it would never end. That the sun would never shine again.
Those days I held onto hope. A hope that was hard to hold onto. A hope that seemed to slip away with each passing day.
It seemed impossible that someday I would not have that struggle. That some days I would wake up and get out of bed. Just like that.
That seemed impossible. Some days I doubted that it would ever end. It seemed like I would struggle with it everyday for the rest of my life. Those were the thoughts I had to push away.
I had to chose to hope when hope seemed lost.
Today I am so glad that I chose hope. That I chose to live, that I chose to not give up. That I chose to prove that I could defeat my illness. That I would not let my illness conquer me.
I cannot tell you how the darkness lifted. It was gradual. All I know is that one day I realized that no longer defined me, it no longer bound me. Somehow I had beaten it.
Since that first time, the depression has crept back, like an unwelcome guest. Yet with each return I know with certainty that it will leave.
That it will not conquer me. I know that. I am resilient and I know that somehow I will tough it out. That the days things will get better. Depression can feel like you stop living, because all the joy is sucked out of life.
Then somehow, on a wednesday in a cafe you will start living again. You will begin again. A wednesday in a cafe, is so ordinary so every day. Yet just like that, you find yourself beginning to live again.
When you feel like giving up, remember this.
On a wednesday in a cafe, you will watch it begin again.