Santa Claus and worthiness

Sant happy

This isn’t a post about Santa. It’s about worth.

As a kid I did a lot of terrible things in the midst of horrible tantrums. There is one that occurred on Christmas Eve that really stuck out to me. I don’t even remember what I did but I remember it was bad.

We were literally on our way to Christmas Eve Mass and I got mad at my cousin. Like really mad, I am pretty sure I punched her and used some choice words which would have had to have been “God dammit!” Because those were the only bad words I knew for a while.

I remember sitting in the back of the car after getting a talking to thinking  of all the days. Of all the days I could have misbehaved I chose Christmas Eve. 

Now I was not going to get any Christmas presents.

That was really the only part of the entire event that concerned me or that I even cared about. I was kind of a callous kid. It’s not like it was my fault my cousin lacked the guts to defend herself. 

Yup I was the friendly one.

However I was terrified because I was convinced that I was getting zero presents that year. It would be awkward. Me as the odd one out, the kid without any presents because she was so bad.

That was one year I went to sleep on Christmas Eve not excited about the next morning.

Only I got presents that year. I concluded it was just too late to return them. So my parents gave me the presents anyway.

I didn’t realize until very recently that the reason I got those presents really did not have anything to do with my behavior. It had everything to do with love and a conflict I have struggled with throughout my life. Worthiness. 

I wondered why I was so convinced that I did not deserve presents. Then I remembered “You better not shout, you better not cry, Santa Claus is comin to town.”

I guess I just assumed that getting presents was all about my worthiness. If I was good then I deserved those presents. When I wasn’t; well then I did not deserve them at all.

However giving and Christmas really does have everything to do with worthiness. You are worth love. You are worth the God of the universe coming to this world as a child. You have worth.

You are worthy.

Even if you do punch your cousins, which never fear I have finally stopped doing and if you meet me in person I am much nicer than  I was back then.

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