When the tears fall

Last week, I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by crap and mess. When I write mess I mean you cannot even see the floor. I can barely sleep in my bed it is so covered in things.  I was holding onto my notes like a lifeline with a highlighter in hand.

Listening to my roommate tell me about her day. She told me about a professor who had hosted a dinner at his house. She said “He seems sad and lonely.”

I barely known the professor and I started to cry.

Right then and there.

That is real, that is honest and vulnerable.

Writing this post all I want to do is cry. It has been a long stressful week. I have the migraine to last all migraines and  it is all I can do not to vomit.

That is vulnerability and it feels disgusting.

Only vulnerability goes much further than that.

At the core, vulnerability is being real with yourself and still having the courage to love yourself.

I have struggled with depression from the time I was twelve. Sometimes it has defined me. Sometimes I have hidden it deep inside but even then it defined me.

I hid it because deep down. Deep, deep down when I am totally honest with myself. I think that I am somehow defective. That there is something wrong with me.

That there is something wrong with me and I have no idea whether it can even be fixed.

I have come to learn something about myself. I do not need to be fixed because I am not broken.

There is not something seriously wrong with me.

My real problem is the way I struggle to accept myself.

My real struggle is not loving myself and not loving who I am.

Not accepting who I am and how that is who I was made to be.

So what if I sometimes cry over someone else’s loneliness. So what if my head hurts and I feel tired.

I am who I was made to be and the biggest thing that I can do to change this world we live in is to love myself. To accept myself. To know myself. To accept who I am and who I have been made to be. I have faults, my roommate could fill you in on those.

However I need to acknowledge who I am. Acknowledge and accept, then decide how I want to act.

Love yourself. Accept yourself.

 

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2 comments

  1. Ouch. Real vulnerability right there, dearest. ‘At the core, vulnerability is being real with yourself and still having the courage to love yourself.’ wow wow wow.

    Like

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