I looked at this girl. The one wearing the yoga pants, and a hoodie, hair a mess; giving me a half smile.
The kind of smile you give when you are pretending. When you are trying to hold things together. The kind of smile you give when you are trying not to let on that you are falling apart.
The thing is she had the rest of the look. My look for when I can barely survive,the yoga pants, messy hair and a hoodie. All that for when I just cannot hide it anymore.
We try to hide things. I know I do. Even with my messy hair, yoga pants and hoodie; I will throw on some make-up. Anything to look like I am not falling apart on the inside but really I am.
There are so many times when I have looked all together. When I have been put perfectly together, while falling apart on the inside.
We try to hide. We try to hide our issues and our struggles. It’s not an altogether bad thing. We hide our suffering when we go to work. We don’t attend sporting events with the tears streaming down our faces even when that is what we feel on the inside.
Hiding is sometimes bad. When we hide, we do it because we think that if people really saw us they would leave. If we really let them see us they will walk away.
That fear never goes away. I have let people see me. I have let myself be seen. The fear never goes away even now that I have shared. Now they will walk away. Now that they have seen my mess they will walk away.
It’s not true. It is about being seen.
I found myself sitting outside late at night. Looking at the world around me and praying. Praying about the mess that is me,in the mess that is my life.
It hurt. The hurt so bad that no words can even come. No words can even describe it.
I sat there just being open. Just letting myself be seen by God. That is hard for me. In fact I try to avoid being seen. By people and by God. Just letting God see me was huge and it was so hard.
I wondered then. I wondered if it would be easier to be honest with God if I was honest with other people too. Letting yourself be seen is hard but sometimes the only person I let see me is God. That is not enough. I need other people, the ones right around me , the ones who can hug me, the ones who can be there for me when my life is falling apart.
The ones who you can text and ask to sleep in their bed if you just don’t want to be alone. The ones who will not let you stay in your misery.
So don’t hide. Look around. Find some people in your life. Some people you can trust and let yourself be seen.
It is scarier than jumping off a cliff. Letting people see you, beneath it all, that takes courage.
Take the leap. Have the courage to let yourself be seen.