finally being anti-catalyst

A lot of people struggle to be anti-catalyst. In fact anyone who has/struggles with anxiety deals with this. It is crippling to life, and an illogical fear that paralyzes.

It was over the summer and after a very long day and exhausting day as a special needs attendant. I was home with my siblings. I don’t remember what it was that was going on exactly. However I was trying to take care of the kids and put them to bed.

Something that was just not happening. One child that I love a lot was having a conuption and just sobbing/crying. Right then and there I just could not handle it. I did not have the energy or patience to deal with it.

I let some one else equally capable take over and I went to do something else. This was huge for me. Also huge for me was my thought process. I knew that I could not handle it then. That moment, at that time and there were other people just as qualified which meant that I did not have to handle it either.

That is a normal response. A normal thought process. Realizing your own limitations.

Catalyst Emily would have had a thought process that went like this….Oh my gosh. I cannot handle this now. That means I can never handle something like this. I will never be able to have kids, not if I cannot handle it right now. I just cannot. I am a failure at life. 

In other words, a very abnormal thought process. But one that is normal when you think in catalyst terms. See when you see life and events as catalyst something small will have life altering consequences. Everything becomes a make or break it situation. In some ways you take the small picture and moment and generalize that for your entire future.

It’s a faulty way of thinking. One that is stressful and one that will ultimately destroy a peaceful life.

It happens in many other ways in life as well. For instance being catalyst means that failing a test will mean that you will fail out of college or never be able to go to graduate school.

The fear of that makes a simple thing like a test much bigger. It also increases your stress and anxiety about it and makes it more likely that you will fail.

It’s about changing and recognizing thought patterns. It is about seeing things with real perspective.

It means that after moments when you realize your limitations, you recognize them as what they are. Limitations at that moment. You don’t decide that means there will never be kids in your future so you should start  buying cats. Lots and lots of cats.


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