Taking a step back

For the first time in my entire life, I decided to chose less. To choose less more.

To be less busy, to do less things. To try to be less stressed.  To do fewer things with my life.

I was burning out and hitting a wall. Burning out makes you feel like a piece of burnt toast and burnt toast is unhappy. I was unhappy. I decided that something needed to change. So in desperation, I took a step back from a lot of things.

I took a careful look at the things I needed to do. The things that were absolutely necessary. A new semester was starting and with that I was able to decide. Able to choose, oddly enough less for me still looks like working a job and taking 18 credits but that is about all I am doing.

Sure I have other commitments. Like social commitments but I am currently not volunteering anywhere or doing as many things as I was.

This taking a step back was hard for me. In so, so many ways it is not me. I like to be busy and even now  catch myself wanting to do a million things. I have to guard against it.

A month or two into this experiment of choosing less, I was finally rested. Finally feeling like my life was not falling apart.  Finally feeling like I was not dying all the time. I mean that literally. I saw life through the period of days. Of moments. Of enjoying.

No longer did I feel like I was always doing things at the last minute. No longer feeling like I was drowning.

I realized that less commitment means more time to focus on the things you need to do. It means you can do them better. It means you do not have to push yourself as hard. I needed that. I needed that relief.

Right after that however I started wanting to kick back into high gear, to do it all.

I waited though. Wondering. Confused and unsure.

Then in one instant, my life literally fell apart.

I don’t want to go into details but that was and is one of the hardest parts of my entire life. One of the toughest things I have ever dealt with and will ever have to handle.

I realized then the power of listening to yourself.

If I was doing my usual million things I would have fallen apart. Right then and there. It would have been too much as it was it became doable. Not easy but doable. As I am going through yet another growing/healing/messy process I am realizing that giving yourself time is important.

Taking a step back is important and I am so glad that I did. So glad that I took a step back and as weird as it sometimes feels. I am giving myself time. Giving myself space. I am learning to be kind to myself. To care for myself. Even simple things like sleep and my favorite funny show have made such a difference in my life. I try to do things that make me feel less like the world is falling apart. Like putting on make-up before a long day. Like going to bed early. Like reading a book or even browsing pinterest for a few moments.

I am learning to take a step back, to care for myself and it is so good.

On taking a step back and learning to care for myself.


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