the pain of goodbye

I hate goodbyes. I avoid them whenever I can.

When a semester ends, or it is fall break, I make myself scarce. I hide. I try to avoid the people I love, the friends I love.

I hate goodbyes. Leaving. Not seeing people. That I can handle but goodbye’s are something else.

I have a memory of a final goodbye. The last time  I saw her. The last goodbye. The last hug, the last “I love you.”

I do not like having a last memory.

Goodbye’s remind me that we may not meet again. There is a chance we will but a goodbye reminds me that nothing is guaranteed.

I hate letting go of people. Maybe that is why i hate goodbyes. It is one step of letting go, if only until the next time I see someone. A reminder that nothing is guaranteed. I hate not having guarantees.

The truth of why I hate goodbyes is that I am always grasping to hold on. I do not want to let go, of people that I love or even off places.

It is hard and I do not have an answer. I do not know the meaning of it all.

While discussing grief the other day, a freind said.

You never get over, losing someone.

That is true. I will never get over it. It will always leave a mark.

Only I cannot be afraid for the people that I do have. Afraid that maybe I will lose them too. All I can do is enjoy the time I have with them.

I also have to remind myself that it is ok to hate goodbyes. They need to serve a purpose for me and that is to remind me,

Cherish the time that I have with the people I love.

Cherish every instant and minute.

Because the only guarantee is that someday you will lose them.

Cherish the here and now.

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