on being scared

Tomorrow starts the next year of school and I am so scared.

I want to be ready and prepared for this school year. I want to be excited for all of the things that are to come this year. I want to be ready to see all my new friends and to embrace all of it!

I want to dive into this semester feet first and what do I feel instead?

Fear. Anxiety. Creeping anxiety.

I am scared of what is to come. Scared of what I do not know. Scared that maybe I will crack. Scared that maybe I cannot handle all of this.

I am so wrapped up in my scared, in my fear.

Today it started to consume me. So much so that while left alone in my apartment for four hours (I hate being alone!) I started to fear that someone might come in and kill me. Irrational? Yes. Totally and completely but those thoughts stemmed from my inner fear.

Then it hit me. It is really all about control and I am too scared to trust.

Scared that if I trust maybe my trust will be broken. So I refuse to trust. I am just too dang scared to trust. Scared that maybe if I trust I will start free-falling.

Only what I am really doing right now is not helping. This control I have myself convinced that I possess is really just an illusion.

I am not in control. I can chose to trust in the one who is. Whether or not I do trust has nothing to do with whether or not God is in control. He is no matter what I think or do. Honestly I wish that maybe it would feel more like God is in control.

But really all I have to do is trust because he is in control no matter what. All I need to do is my part; the scary part I need to do, one of those silly middle-school trust falls. I need to let go so I can trust. Instead of holding onto my paper shreds of “control.”

Today I need a lot more trust and a lot less scared.

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