staying for the right reasons

I am in the midst off/am at the end of a long crisis of faith. Things are better now but it is still an interesting concept to approach to start questioning your entire life and your faith all at once. It’s scary to say the least.

I did not want to stay for the wrong reasons. I have been a cradle Catholic for my entire life and a devout one at that. I started questioning my faith, wondering, being confused. I was searching for answers.

I was, aware of what my choices were if I were to ask a question and not find a satisfactory answer. I think maybe that’s why we fail to question. By questioning my faith I had to be willing to let it go.

By questioning, I was delving into what I believed and finding the truth. See, I am not a person to just believe. I will never be the kind of person to do something just because someone tells me I should.

The same holds true for my beliefs. I have to be convicted of them on my own.

Asking the questions was hard. I knew that if I did not get the answers I needed I would have to walk away. I am the type of person who needs to be convicted personally. If I was not, then I would have to walk away.

Questioning your faith and the entire belief system around which you have been raised is hard. Hard for a lot of reasons yet I believe it is (and was for me) important.

There was a part of me that was afraid. Afraid that I would chose to stay for the wrong reason.

Leaving would have meant admitting that my life up to that point had been a lie. That’s what happens if you beleive and live your life for something. If that is false then you have lived a lie. I go to a private Catholic University. Leaving my faith would have been hard to do there. But I also did not want to stay for those reasons. I did not want to stay just so I would not have to admit that I had lived a lie.

It’s odd. This entire post feels odd. It shows questioning, searching, wondering. It also shows that although I was afraid of the results.

I questioned anyway.

Now my faith is stronger because I was not afraid to question it. I was not afraid. I was willing to walk away if it was false. Believing in something because your entire family believes in it or  because that is how you were raised is simply not enough.

Questioning leads to growth. It leads to understanding and conviction. My faith is stronger and I know that I am staying for the right reasons.

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