To say that I suck at self-care would be an incredible understatement. I don’t even know what self-care looks like or what it feels like.
At the beginning of this summer I knew that I needed to make a change. Too many days of my body shutting down out of sheer exhaustion. I was simply at the point that I did not have enough energy and that is an understatement. I could barely function. Physically, mentally and emotionally. The physical and emotional exhaustion were the ones that hit me the most.
I tried. So hard. I am one of those people who wants to do a million things. I want to accomplish many things and I plan to someday change the world.
These huge plans of mine and taking care of myself has never seemed to fit.
In high school I spent several years perfecting the art of sleep-deprivation. I thought that if I tried hard enough I would eventually need less sleep and then I could accomplish more things. I had life plans that included things like three hours of latin that started at 11 p.m. (and I am not exaggerating.) That is how crazy I was.
That lifestyle can only continue for so long however. I kept up all the crazy busy-ness for the rest of high school and into college. I never learned to take care of myself. I was always pushing myself too hard and then collapsing in exhaustion. I got a lot done but I was miserable and sick.
Exhaustion takes a toll.
This lifestyle that I have lived for so long is trying to do EVERYTHING and being successful at all of it.
This summer I decided that I was done. I was done doing it all and being miserable.
I decided that I needed to start taking care of myself, but I still don’t even know what that means.
Trying to free yourself from a lifetime of getting things done and accomplishing a million things is hard. Especially when you are so out of touch with yourself that you do not even know where to start.
I still don’t know where to start.
This afternoon I bought a lot of ice-cream and I took a random drive through a neighborhood. I also just spent 3o minutes cleaning out my email inbox. Those things feel and sound ridiculous to me. Honestly I do not even know if you could argue that those things do fit into the category of
But what I do know is this, I have to listen to myself. I have to learn to start listening to my body again.I have to start listening to myself and my needs. I have been so out of touch with myself that I still do not know what they are.
There is a difference however and that is this,
I am committed to learning what self -care is and I am committed to practicing it in my life.
I still don’t know what self care means, at least not yet but I intend to find out.